Oh by the way I forgot to mention something.

Dear Mindef, kindly resist your utmost to quote anything from my site in your routine nothing-better-to-do checks in the cyberspace. Kindly also do not reference it into your weekly and monthly "Summary of Internet Chatter". Thank you.

"By the way if you do quote, please quote in the above"

I think it seems obligatory to do a "Post-ORD" reflection, especially after such a long hiatus from writing any complete post. In fact, I did actually write a few posts, but just stopped after a few paragraphs and sentences. The words don't seem to be flowing out naturally. So after such a long while, I decided I should do some writing to salvage my language, lest it languishes further more.

I don't really feel any strong sense of objection or affection towards NS. In fact, I have actually decided to delay my views and comments on NS until I could compare it to perhaps working outside without any form of pampering. After 3 weeks of work, I think I can make a brief amateur comparison between the two of them.

One thing I was particularly impressed with the army's system was the system ability to adapt to the one constant in the organisation: the inevitably high turnover rate of the people working. True there are a large number of regulars working in the army, but even their posting are highly varied and diverse, where a person seldom rests on one position for more than 3 years. Let alone the NSFs, where despite their numbers and "relatively low position" they hold in the organisation (Let's not kid ourselves that we really do "make a difference"), the people on the position are usually changed in a short span of 9-14 months. To cope with such turnover without collapsing, I really have to admire the system.

And I thought my stint in army was really tough. Until I just found a higher mountain to transverse. And this further reinforced my perception that there isn't really a certain standard or benchmark of labour and toughness of a most difficult job, but it's just that my own threshold level of pain and ability to adapt is not up to mark. It is the same as saying that there is always a mountain higher no matter how high you climb, and thus far, anything that I have climbed is simply too low.

But I find a subtle threat from this constant mentality. By convincing myself that whatever I have done thus far was simply to walk along some road others have walked before, I have removed any form of anxiety and excitement from the task itself. This has simply made my life as bland as it can get, when nothing seems to excite me.

The only thing that I still devote my time to is my piano, because whatever I put in, I get an equivalent or equal result. If I set about playing angrily, the music roars back at me. If I play with patience, the music soothes me. If I improve, the piano itself seems to become better. It seems to be the only thing where you get something fair and equal in accordance to the amount of effort and heart you put in, unlike people where you can put in an inordinate amount of patience putting up with their theatrics and simply walk away feeling worse. The only place where I can put aside my mask and be myself is only atop a bench and in front of a score sheet, where everything is judged fairly, just like the black and white keys.

Thus far, I have refrained from engaging in any form of derogatory behaviour in the cyberspace, in particular Facebook. What I foresee is as our online lives get more exposed and tied in with us in reality, you will reap what you sow. Hangover photos, prank photos, flaming, or engaging in vile online conversations, are going to bite back at you sooner or later. I attempt to exercise restraint while engaging in online activities, aware that whatever I tag on Facebook, or even post on this blog, will be dangerous in the future against me in any way. This blog has became less of an avenue to bitch over some people than to keep a record of my perceptions of my life as I age.

I have been trying out more things since it's getting more and more boring in whatever I do. Diving, driving, trying to get a start on wine appreciation and cocktail mixing, or even thinking about an overseas backpacking trip to either Israel or Nepal's Everest Base Camp, I desperately need something to kick start my life again. Somebody, or something needs to bring back the feeling of waiting and wishing eagerly of what stores tomorrow can bring.

I can't believe I ended my hiatus on such a pessimistic tone.

Sometimes, I will just pause in my life and think, "Who am I?"

Nah, it's not some philosophical question. It's an observation. So to attempt to answer the question above, let's start with some observations.

I'm wishing I'm the only peculiar one, because I'm having the tendency to group friends into different categories. Might have been the lack of information of sorts. So for example, if I suddenly feel like watching movie, I will think of XXX. But if I suddenly think of asking for opinions on books, I will think of YYY.

But is XXX really interested in movies, or YYY a book freak?

The answer I derive from this is that I only saw the "movie" side of XXX and the "book" side of YYY. The same goes with the ABCDEF... So when I think I know someone, I only know this certain side of him/her.

Therefore my outings have a certain religious following, such as ABCDE for watching movies and FGHIJ for reading books. It will never cross my mind to ask ABCDE for reading books and FGHIJ for watching movies. It just seems weird that I am not following each group's preferences.

Here's where I bring the context back. I also do observe that I display the ABCDE side of me when I mingle with them, and the FGHIJ side of me when I am with FGHIJ. It just feels natural to me. So I will have cases where one group of my friends will comment that I am too quiet, and the other group knows me as too noisy.

There are also times where to certain people, my actions are based upon prior assumptions of the opposite party (should I say, always?). So when I assume this certain K guy is a cooperative dude, I will do my best to help me no matter what, and when I assume this certain L guy is a jerk, I will lax in my efforts to communicate with him.

So the really confusing thing here is what if ABCDEFGHIJKL people are displaying their respective sides to me because they are interacting with me, and display a different side when they interact with others. Consider the numerous permutations and it's really mind-boggling.

So which is the real side of me? I ponder, than I decide that it is too brain-taxing and meaningless to find out. Perhaps the split personality in me is the real me.

Let's just continue....

Men look backwards. Always. And they always charge forward.

We are gripped by this peculiar phenomenon. We will proceed forward with our lives, oblivious to the past, and the present. We are always charging forward, never learning our lessons. It is only after things happen that we will look backwards, pause, and sigh, "If only I had done this."

Truth is, we almost never had the opportunity to have pondered over the alternatives. We proceed on, choosing a certain path of our life, simply because we, at the very moment, believed it was the right path. It's like a little test, where we put down our answers because we think that it is right, not because it is right.

The most glaring mistake that we always make is to think of life as 2 directional. Forward and Backwards. We never see our sides, never distinguish the people who are running beside you and taking the same path, until the crossroads emerge and the paths part forever. It is only when after dashing forward so long that we finally pause, and turn back to mourn the losing of those who have been by your side.

And seemingly like a miracle, we will wipe our tears and dash forward again, oblivious to the new people who are running next to you now.

Till the moment we are hit with the finality, till that very time, we will continue to dash forward. We are the same, I am the same. As mortals, the time will come when we will start to cherish what that is lost. The question is when?

People come, people go. Friends come, friends go. Our habits come, our habits go.

We are like enchanted little characters in a play, doing our part, arriving and departing silently.

It's almost like a dream.

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Logic, White and Black?

I was always perplexed since young.


What if right is left, and left is right?

Bah, that would never happen, you refute.

Then I imagined a scenario from World War 2.
What if the Axis won?

"In 1945, the glorious Germany thwarted the wild and individualistic Americans, establishing supreme glory over those free-thinking barbarians. The Great Reich has successfully eradicated the nonsensical idea of free-thinking, and released all civilisations from mindless thinking by concentrating all thinking to central powers.

From the Great Eastern Front, our glorious comrades from Nippon firmly established superiority in the Asia-Pacific, ensuring that all shall wear kimonos and kowtow to the Emperor, thereby ensuring order."

Would that be how the history textbooks would appear now?

We have a habit to see things in a retrospective manner.

If only I had studied...

If only I had asked her out...

We imagine countless permutations and combinations of scenarios that could have had happened if we had done something, drowning ourselves in thoughts while not realizing that these scenarios would never happen again.

At the same time, we make up countless explanations of why we didn't adopt to alternative scenarios, so as to justify our previous actions.

I believe 王蒙 wrote his stories because it just flows from his mind, not because he followed a rigour technique.

14th February 2009, 2:30:39pm would never happen again.

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I noticed an interesting observation. People like to say, "Oh, sure, I know how to do this."

But never, "Goodness, I never knew about it. Thanks for telling me."

Our minds are fixated upon the known, while shunning the unknown. It seems as though we are gripped by an inexplicable fear of knowing that we don't know.

Progress can only begin when we acknowledge our inadequacies.

A person can never grow if his mind is all about what he knows.

This seems to explain why there are so many "educated" people out there who can't grasp the way of life in reality. Classroom and reality are 2 different domains. In classes, there is a guided way of thinking, a singular path to the answer. That cannot be said of real life.

Just like in National Service. I'm slowly wired by observations to believe that how a person performs in National Service, will be a mirror image of how he behaves in the future. I see many "smarter" (according to results) people trying to keng or siam duties. This brings me to think of how they will do the same when they are out in the society making a living.

Of course you can argue that there are no incentives (such as money or glory) in National Service to motivate you. But by doing so, you are showing that this is your true self.

This is similar to all those cliche stories that you hear of people suddenly turning angelic and considerate when infront of those whom they want to impress.

It is a lie.

School should teach two things. How to make a living, and how to live.

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The one fictional character that I'm attracted to is Edmond Dantes. Simply because he seems to know it all. Sincerely.

I will be more impressed if you can show me that you can fix a pipe, than to recite to me the periodic table.

It's more practical. Period.

I was drafting a list of resolutions, a whole long list of it that I wanted to do. In the end, I gave up. There are so many things that I want to do, yet never enough dedication and patience to finish it. It has always been my Achilles' Heel.





A whole year has passed, and 2008 will never return. Every second I lived in the year, I will try to remember, yet as time passes, all memories will fade. Some forgotten totally, some with vague memories. However, for this time, I will try to remember the things and people that have been dear to me, the memorable and meaningful experiences that peppered my life. It sure does sound cliche, to me, it is a little milestone. Everybody turns 19 only once.





For all the nitty gritty stuff that I wanted to do, there are some that I have been trying to complete. I told myself before, that I want to demonstrate no prejudices and pass no judgments about people or events till I fleshed out the insides. I have failed. Time and again, it is so easy to lapse into the momentary state of consciousness, to condemn things for the sake of feeding one's self-gratification. The one word that I fear now is, "Generalize".





A full year into National Service has broadened my perspectives. I dare not say it is due to my training, nor is it my appointment nor my post. I simply abhor people who think that a certain degree of "tougher" training entitles them to criticize and look down on others. As I have always said, it is wrong to assume that others are having a "better" life until you have experienced theirs. I see myself as an extremely fortunate bastard, for all my life I have been surrounded with caring mentors, great friends, a supportive family, never to fear or think about the lack of money. I am truly very lucky.


There are so many things revolving around that one can do, the sheer number is dizzying. As for me, I want to lie down, calm myself, and pick one that I can rest my mind on. To pursue too many worldly ambitions, to me, it is too tiring.

Respect does not come from one's appointment or upbringing. It comes from the way one presents himself, how one behaves himself, and most importantly, how one say about others.

Little Thoughts

What is a blog to me?

It was once a place for me to gain exposure, fill my self-esteem, and to record down the nitty gritty stuff of daily life. It was the place where I bitched around and made my own "intelligent" observations of the society. It was the place where I frantically checked back daily to see the number of people reading it.

Not anymore.

Not many people read it now, or know of it now. I prefer the status quo now.

This blog has turned into a little cosy hideout. It has became a sanctuary where I come back to reflect, not on others, but on myself. It is a little world within this big universe where I put down whatever I dared not say in the real world. It is also an oasis, where after a short trip, I would emerge refreshed and ready for the next phase of my life.

At every stage of one's life, everyone likes to profess himself as being more mature than before. Looking back, I feel that I have grown over the years. But ten short years later, I would look back at the shell I am now, and wonder, "How can this guy be so childish and immature?."

I am not a philosopher, not do I dare to claim myself as enlightened. Yet this blog, has given me the space to pen down my little thoughts of life, how to approach my own life. My life is no different from others, yet unique in every aspect. The little ramblings in my mind when I'm in the long journeys, I pen it down. One day, I would be looking at the mirror, at my own reflection, and mutter, "Is this who I want to be?"

Follow your fate. Follow your destiny. Follow the path where the successful people walk on. Follow. Follow. Follow. Study hard. Get good results. Work hard. Get recognized. Yet by the time I look at my own reflection, will I be able to recognize myself?

In my old blog, I liked to put down quotes of famous people. It was as if they served as a beacon for me. But what use is a beacon in a sea of lights? There are so many paths that one has to decide. Yet I believe that admist the meandering mazes of paths, one can still create its own trail. A solitary trail away from the numerous well-worn paths, where one can look down at the puddle on the trail and recognize himself.

It is with this faith that I lead my life. Walk on. And Discover your own little trail where serenity and peace wander.