Sometimes, I will just pause in my life and think, "Who am I?"

Nah, it's not some philosophical question. It's an observation. So to attempt to answer the question above, let's start with some observations.

I'm wishing I'm the only peculiar one, because I'm having the tendency to group friends into different categories. Might have been the lack of information of sorts. So for example, if I suddenly feel like watching movie, I will think of XXX. But if I suddenly think of asking for opinions on books, I will think of YYY.

But is XXX really interested in movies, or YYY a book freak?

The answer I derive from this is that I only saw the "movie" side of XXX and the "book" side of YYY. The same goes with the ABCDEF... So when I think I know someone, I only know this certain side of him/her.

Therefore my outings have a certain religious following, such as ABCDE for watching movies and FGHIJ for reading books. It will never cross my mind to ask ABCDE for reading books and FGHIJ for watching movies. It just seems weird that I am not following each group's preferences.

Here's where I bring the context back. I also do observe that I display the ABCDE side of me when I mingle with them, and the FGHIJ side of me when I am with FGHIJ. It just feels natural to me. So I will have cases where one group of my friends will comment that I am too quiet, and the other group knows me as too noisy.

There are also times where to certain people, my actions are based upon prior assumptions of the opposite party (should I say, always?). So when I assume this certain K guy is a cooperative dude, I will do my best to help me no matter what, and when I assume this certain L guy is a jerk, I will lax in my efforts to communicate with him.

So the really confusing thing here is what if ABCDEFGHIJKL people are displaying their respective sides to me because they are interacting with me, and display a different side when they interact with others. Consider the numerous permutations and it's really mind-boggling.

So which is the real side of me? I ponder, than I decide that it is too brain-taxing and meaningless to find out. Perhaps the split personality in me is the real me.

Let's just continue....

Men look backwards. Always. And they always charge forward.

We are gripped by this peculiar phenomenon. We will proceed forward with our lives, oblivious to the past, and the present. We are always charging forward, never learning our lessons. It is only after things happen that we will look backwards, pause, and sigh, "If only I had done this."

Truth is, we almost never had the opportunity to have pondered over the alternatives. We proceed on, choosing a certain path of our life, simply because we, at the very moment, believed it was the right path. It's like a little test, where we put down our answers because we think that it is right, not because it is right.

The most glaring mistake that we always make is to think of life as 2 directional. Forward and Backwards. We never see our sides, never distinguish the people who are running beside you and taking the same path, until the crossroads emerge and the paths part forever. It is only when after dashing forward so long that we finally pause, and turn back to mourn the losing of those who have been by your side.

And seemingly like a miracle, we will wipe our tears and dash forward again, oblivious to the new people who are running next to you now.

Till the moment we are hit with the finality, till that very time, we will continue to dash forward. We are the same, I am the same. As mortals, the time will come when we will start to cherish what that is lost. The question is when?

People come, people go. Friends come, friends go. Our habits come, our habits go.

We are like enchanted little characters in a play, doing our part, arriving and departing silently.

It's almost like a dream.

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Logic, White and Black?

I was always perplexed since young.


What if right is left, and left is right?

Bah, that would never happen, you refute.

Then I imagined a scenario from World War 2.
What if the Axis won?

"In 1945, the glorious Germany thwarted the wild and individualistic Americans, establishing supreme glory over those free-thinking barbarians. The Great Reich has successfully eradicated the nonsensical idea of free-thinking, and released all civilisations from mindless thinking by concentrating all thinking to central powers.

From the Great Eastern Front, our glorious comrades from Nippon firmly established superiority in the Asia-Pacific, ensuring that all shall wear kimonos and kowtow to the Emperor, thereby ensuring order."

Would that be how the history textbooks would appear now?

We have a habit to see things in a retrospective manner.

If only I had studied...

If only I had asked her out...

We imagine countless permutations and combinations of scenarios that could have had happened if we had done something, drowning ourselves in thoughts while not realizing that these scenarios would never happen again.

At the same time, we make up countless explanations of why we didn't adopt to alternative scenarios, so as to justify our previous actions.

I believe 王蒙 wrote his stories because it just flows from his mind, not because he followed a rigour technique.

14th February 2009, 2:30:39pm would never happen again.

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I noticed an interesting observation. People like to say, "Oh, sure, I know how to do this."

But never, "Goodness, I never knew about it. Thanks for telling me."

Our minds are fixated upon the known, while shunning the unknown. It seems as though we are gripped by an inexplicable fear of knowing that we don't know.

Progress can only begin when we acknowledge our inadequacies.

A person can never grow if his mind is all about what he knows.

This seems to explain why there are so many "educated" people out there who can't grasp the way of life in reality. Classroom and reality are 2 different domains. In classes, there is a guided way of thinking, a singular path to the answer. That cannot be said of real life.

Just like in National Service. I'm slowly wired by observations to believe that how a person performs in National Service, will be a mirror image of how he behaves in the future. I see many "smarter" (according to results) people trying to keng or siam duties. This brings me to think of how they will do the same when they are out in the society making a living.

Of course you can argue that there are no incentives (such as money or glory) in National Service to motivate you. But by doing so, you are showing that this is your true self.

This is similar to all those cliche stories that you hear of people suddenly turning angelic and considerate when infront of those whom they want to impress.

It is a lie.

School should teach two things. How to make a living, and how to live.

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The one fictional character that I'm attracted to is Edmond Dantes. Simply because he seems to know it all. Sincerely.

I will be more impressed if you can show me that you can fix a pipe, than to recite to me the periodic table.

It's more practical. Period.

I was drafting a list of resolutions, a whole long list of it that I wanted to do. In the end, I gave up. There are so many things that I want to do, yet never enough dedication and patience to finish it. It has always been my Achilles' Heel.





A whole year has passed, and 2008 will never return. Every second I lived in the year, I will try to remember, yet as time passes, all memories will fade. Some forgotten totally, some with vague memories. However, for this time, I will try to remember the things and people that have been dear to me, the memorable and meaningful experiences that peppered my life. It sure does sound cliche, to me, it is a little milestone. Everybody turns 19 only once.





For all the nitty gritty stuff that I wanted to do, there are some that I have been trying to complete. I told myself before, that I want to demonstrate no prejudices and pass no judgments about people or events till I fleshed out the insides. I have failed. Time and again, it is so easy to lapse into the momentary state of consciousness, to condemn things for the sake of feeding one's self-gratification. The one word that I fear now is, "Generalize".





A full year into National Service has broadened my perspectives. I dare not say it is due to my training, nor is it my appointment nor my post. I simply abhor people who think that a certain degree of "tougher" training entitles them to criticize and look down on others. As I have always said, it is wrong to assume that others are having a "better" life until you have experienced theirs. I see myself as an extremely fortunate bastard, for all my life I have been surrounded with caring mentors, great friends, a supportive family, never to fear or think about the lack of money. I am truly very lucky.


There are so many things revolving around that one can do, the sheer number is dizzying. As for me, I want to lie down, calm myself, and pick one that I can rest my mind on. To pursue too many worldly ambitions, to me, it is too tiring.

Respect does not come from one's appointment or upbringing. It comes from the way one presents himself, how one behaves himself, and most importantly, how one say about others.

Little Thoughts

What is a blog to me?

It was once a place for me to gain exposure, fill my self-esteem, and to record down the nitty gritty stuff of daily life. It was the place where I bitched around and made my own "intelligent" observations of the society. It was the place where I frantically checked back daily to see the number of people reading it.

Not anymore.

Not many people read it now, or know of it now. I prefer the status quo now.

This blog has turned into a little cosy hideout. It has became a sanctuary where I come back to reflect, not on others, but on myself. It is a little world within this big universe where I put down whatever I dared not say in the real world. It is also an oasis, where after a short trip, I would emerge refreshed and ready for the next phase of my life.

At every stage of one's life, everyone likes to profess himself as being more mature than before. Looking back, I feel that I have grown over the years. But ten short years later, I would look back at the shell I am now, and wonder, "How can this guy be so childish and immature?."

I am not a philosopher, not do I dare to claim myself as enlightened. Yet this blog, has given me the space to pen down my little thoughts of life, how to approach my own life. My life is no different from others, yet unique in every aspect. The little ramblings in my mind when I'm in the long journeys, I pen it down. One day, I would be looking at the mirror, at my own reflection, and mutter, "Is this who I want to be?"

Follow your fate. Follow your destiny. Follow the path where the successful people walk on. Follow. Follow. Follow. Study hard. Get good results. Work hard. Get recognized. Yet by the time I look at my own reflection, will I be able to recognize myself?

In my old blog, I liked to put down quotes of famous people. It was as if they served as a beacon for me. But what use is a beacon in a sea of lights? There are so many paths that one has to decide. Yet I believe that admist the meandering mazes of paths, one can still create its own trail. A solitary trail away from the numerous well-worn paths, where one can look down at the puddle on the trail and recognize himself.

It is with this faith that I lead my life. Walk on. And Discover your own little trail where serenity and peace wander.

Theory of Relativity

The most dangerous thing in the world is the theory of relativity.

No. I don't mean Einstein's theory of relativity.

I mean the one in the mind.

I remember I once wrote a highly passionate (but dismal) essay on why democracy cannot apply to all countries in the world. I wrote a bloody long 3 pages. One of the points I wrote, and I felt at that time was the strongest point, was that the certain population might not be "mature" or educated enough to make rational decisions. Thus, the power of choice is not for them.

How wrong I am.

To see the lifeline of Thailand wrestled and choked by the "educated" and "mature" population, I realize my folly. The government was undoubtedly, elected legitimately. They won the popular vote. The minority, displeased with the results, pushed out my arguement.

"The poor rural people are not well-informed and educated to vote. We are right. We are smart. So we say the government is wrong. So we are the only ones who can see the wrongs of the government".

When one of the opposition party leaders can threaten to crash the country's financial system so as to attain "justice" and "restore" the country to rightful leaders, one cannot help but wonder, "Why?".

We have a case of the majority being held hostage by the academia of the minority. Why did it happen?

Because of the theory of relativity.

Back when democracy started, reason was absolute. You are either right, or wrong; in our side or with them. There are no gray regions. Justice was absolute.

Then as people got "smarter", we start to see a gray zone, a blur area, a chance for us to debate. From then on, we evolved. Utiliatarians begin to emerge and contest the authoratarians. Here's a simple example,

If a terrorist sneaked in a city and threaten to blow up a mega-nuclear bomb that would devastate the entire city, what would one do?

The utilitarian would argue, blow up the area he is in. Kill the few hundred inside so the millions of the city would survive.

The flip side, is the leave him as he is, simply because it is absolutely wrong to kill innocents.

What would you have done?

So back to the topic, the opposition in Thailand claim their moral right for the fact that they are, "smarter". They claim that it is right for them for exercise their exaggerated rights to topple the lawfully elected government based on baised assumptions that Thaksin is controlling the country discreetly.

Are they right?

Is a man justified to kill if it is out of self-defense?

Are acts of attrocities justified if it is for the good of the majority?

We don't know, we will never know if it is ever right. What we know is what is agreed upon. Just like how history changes with the shift of power. Is history absolute? I doubt so.

That brings me to something closer. We will always bickle mindlessly over who's richer, who's more well-off, who's having a better life, who's getting the better deal.

But the fact, is, it's all down to the theory of relativity.

Just like the conundrum between unit personnel and admin staff. Those on the company lines constantly think that admin staff get the better deal. Air con, later wake-up times, book out during weekends.

But in my short stint here, it's has been quite a torment. Having to juggle so many things, and most of all, facing all those disrespect from the company lines who think they are the most hardworking is simply unnerving. Unknown to them, we do not have offs, we do not have a close shop timing,we are never let off, we do not have people to take over our jobs when we go on leave. The work just piles up.

And when we see the company lines in effect working only 1 day out of 4 days (due to the rotation of duty instructors), we cringe and cry out of injustice. But alas, my superior had to work past midnight and get verbally abused constantly. I count my lucky stars already.

So in my short time in my job, I have placed down all prejudices. Who cares about who's getting the better deal? There's always people more slack, and more people more hardworking. The theory of relativity is just making things complicated.

And after I placed down my prejudices, I find myself happier. I no longer compare, as it is meaningless. I find a new hobby, which I am really in love with now. I no longer see people in different lights, and for that I no longer feel the changes of attitude and feelings that I once had when I deal with different people.

Life is just a game. Why treat it so seriously? Does it make you lose a limb if someone is slacking off while you are working?

Life is not so complicated.

Can you see the ray of hope beyond it?

Bob and Robert were the best of childhood friends. They grew up together in their little suburbs, where they were the happiest people in town. Circumstances abound, they headed in different directions. Before they left, they promised to meet back at a little dug-out cross they made at the cherry tree behind their backyard.

And they departed.

Bob was the best of linguists. His charm and demeanor quickly earned him many acquaintances. His ability to create conversations is almost... unnerving. Nonetheless, the many many acquaintances he made helped him in his endeavors. He swiftly built up a series of networks where he took shortcuts, and little effort, and he climbed to the top of the social hierarchy. He is never missing from anybody's wedding, parties, events. He is in everybody's eyes, a social butterfly.

Robert on the other hand, was quite the smartest person. Through sheer dedication and talent, he immersed himself into the sea of knowledge, endlessly thronging through the knowledge. He earned himself numerous scholarships. During holidays, he would use it for attachments. His free time was always to "gain experience". The trove of experience he built up is immense for his age, and he continued working and working tirelessly. He was, also at the very top of his career.

The first meeting at the cross was a joyous one. Being in their prime, they joked about everything. Seeing that both of them had not much time as they had their careers in mind, they decided to meet up 25 years later, when they are 55 years old, at the very same spot.

25 long years has passed.

When Robert stepped into the town, it wasn't quite like before. The windows swayed, the houses creaked, and the trees were dying. The town was sapped out its life as the young people left in pursuit of their dreams. The sunset cast a pall over the town, leaving a long silhouette behind Robert. The winds gusted, creating an impression of an old ghost town.

And there he saw, his best friend and only friend, Bob. At the same cross.

He was sobbing.

And he looked up. Then he laughed.

"Haha, Robert. My friend. You are the same as me now. Look at yourself. We are back."

They were both in rags.

Robert walked towards the cross and sat down on the soft wet ground. He blended into the picture. They both remained silent. Finally, Bob asked,

"My friend, how are you? What has brought you to this desolate place in such a state? Surely you can dress better for our joyous reunion?"

Robert sighed. A gust of wind howled through the broken windows, as the clattering panes created a symphony of melancholy.

"It is....as magical as it begun. You know, I have worked so hard for my life. Work is me. I really cannot see anything besides work that can drive my life. You can't really blame me for that. I'm so smart. Not trying to be arrogant here, but I thought that since I'm so smart, it would be a waste if I didn't work. So I kept working and working."

"Then, my wife left me. She left without seeing me. Just a note, on my work table. Here."

'Dear, I really love you. I remember the times when we first met. We would do all those crazy things. I was so happy I found you. But perhaps times change as man change. You have turned so in love with work. Your heart cannot accommodate two loves. I feel so empty at times. The little bits of free time, you always volunteered for extra work. You once promised me you would bring me to Paris, to Venice, to see the dandelion fields, the serene forests of England.

Now I can't even get a word from you. The passion within us has died. I'm so sorry...."

"By then, I immediately quit my job. She left without a trace. Gone. Vanished. All I have is this little piece of note she left me."

"Now I suddenly remember, I forgot. I forgot the last time I truly savoured the aroma of a cup of coffee. I forgot when was the last time I played soccer, just like the good old times we played before. I forgot the last time I watched a movie. A movie! Remember remember? Remember how we fought over a peep hole in the fence for the screening? Haha. These memories are nostalgic, really. See what are we old men doing here! Haha!"

And Robert sank back into silence, folding his legs in, and hugging them, staring at the little note. Bob looked at him.

"Ta my friend, let me tell you mine. Haha. I wonder why it sounds all the same man. Ya know, twas the time when it seemed like I knew every single celebrity and person in the world. I can greet every few people on the streets. Haha, ya know how proud I am? I feel so... influential. And powerful."

"Then that little fate plays his tune again. The finance industry crashed overnight, and I began almost bankrupt. Haha, here goes, one of the stories you always always hear. I knocked on the doors of people I know. Ha! Suddenly I'm the loneliest person in the world! Ya know, if you know so many people, there's no way I can keep close contact with every single one of them. So I told myself, never mind. Get more friends. Know more. Ha! Now they all act like they don't know me. "EHHH, I not very close to you." "Ehhh, sorry I promised someone already. PHET"

"Ha! I eventually became bankrupt, lost everyone I knew, and was begging on the streets. Ya know, it seemed like a fairy-tale to me, like you know, those stores we heard when we were young. Then I knew! So the "friends" I made didn't really trust me, cause I have so many "friends"! Ha! It seemed so funny to me at that time. Then I thought a bit, if a friend of mine had lots of friends, I won't be really sure if he cares about me. Simple logic right? God gives 24 hours only, there are only that many my "friend" can care."

And once again, Bob sank into silence too.

The winds blew. It blew away everything. And almost everything of Bob and Robert. Were they lonely? Were they happy in the end? Nobody knows. It's an ironic world.